3:36 a.m. - Oct. 19, 2002
...i have never felt so swel, things have never been so well...

well, just when you think things couldn't possibly get worse...the floor drops out.

this is how my car looks now...bad weather caused me to fly off the fucking road and flip it over...good times...for some magical fucking reason myself and my friend are still alive and unharmed aside from some scrapes and bruises....it was probably the most insane and intense thing that has ever happened to me......

the problem is...instead of enlightening me or making me find god---coming so close to dying has only made me feel even more alone---even more hopeless. when i was flipped upside down speeding towards a limestone wall at 70 miles per hour--my life wasn't flashing before my eyes....i didnt find peace with christ...i was thinkin "well this is it---its all over now" i was thinking "oh well" i was thinking "better now than never" i was thinking "it was bound to happen" i was thinking "oh well whatever nevermind".

so in the end nothing matters any more to me...so in the end its all the same...so in the end i just have to come up with 6000 more dollars...so in the end its just another piece of shit to put on top of the pile with the rest....so in the end nothing really matters life is only a dream and i'm the imagination of myself.......so in the end i kind of wish i had died---i kind of wish we hadn't survived---i kind of wish some one truly cared---i kind of wish something mattered at all.

before ~ after