1:18 a.m. - Oct. 16, 2002
...silence--here i am--here i am--silent...

update on my current state of existence....

-i owe my parents 800 dollars that i dont have
-i am planning on buying a 700 dollar gun that i probably shouldn't buy
-my car is dirty as am i
-this afternoon i had to pull over to the side of the road to puke up whatever it is that i consumed last night---after that i started to sober up finally
-i cough up blood and cry on a regular basis (i suppose those aren't related)
-i got kicked out of my house for a couple days
-i have a meeting with a psychiatrist on monday at 2pm
-every night i go to sleep i secretly wish i would never wake up
-every day i wake up and i'm still me and i still feel this way--that day is the new worst day of my life
-i've discovered that there aren't words that hold enough meaning to explain exactly how empty i've become--how worthless everything seems--how blind i've become to any kind of hope or happiness
-i wish i was dead
-i hate life

so anyway that just about covers it. i dont really have much else to say right now---i'm kind of burnt out on trying to explain to myself that everything is going to be alright and no matter how horrible and pointless everything seems it will somehow someway someday be better---hell it may even be good---so yeah...

i'm going to start writing a book pretty soon---i've got most of the story worked out in my head---i plan on writing the whole book in my head then forgetting it all and trying to re-write it on paper...i think that sounds like a good idea---maybe...

sweet christ crucify me with railroad spikes
use my skull to bash them all in
gather sit and grin

lately i've been catching myself sighing heavily---as if that would somehow fix all my problems and make me feel better...its a nice thought nonetheless.

wouldn't it be great if you could you could bottle up emotional pain and sell it somewhere---i'd be a fucking millionare

fucklife.

before ~ after