12:31 p.m. - Sept. 23, 2002
...you could have it all---my empire of dirt...

Yesterday was the first day in at least 40 days in which I haven't drank something or taken some sort of drug to escape dealing with myself---dealing with my thoughts---my pain. the sad thing is i'm starting to feel exactly the same way i felt before i met her---

empty isn't the right word but its the first word that comes to mind.

i look at everything around me with a transparent eye---i have no desires---practically no emotion---all i feel is empty pain---and i know i am going to have to accept this...and there is nothing i can do about any of this...i just need to keep moving---i need to keep breathing.

numb isn't the right word but its the first word that comes to mind

and i think the worst part is remembering---remembering how it was------remembering how even when it wasn't great it was still the best part of my life---the only thing that ever really mattered to me---and while remembering this....in the back of my head...i know its gone...forever. that is probably the worst part.

i wear this crown of shit
upon my liars chair
full of broken thoughts
i can not repair
beneath the stains of time
feelings disappear
you are somewhere else
i am still right here
what have i become
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end

and i want to remember all of this---and i want to cry and i want to share this with someone and i want to share this with her and i can't. and every thought i have ends with her and every smile i make reminds me of her and every tear i cry i cry for her and everything about me seems like its all for her-----and its not enough---no matter how much i wish it was its not enough and nothing and no one can help me---

the moral to this story is: you can't rely on anyone but yourself.

no matter how hard i try it will never be the same.

the hardest part of life is accepting...
accepting what is--
what was--
what can never be--
and what will never be again.

before ~ after