11:28 p.m. - Sept. 04, 2002
...just dont leave---dont leave...

Get out of this. Now. Before it gets so fucked up nobody could ever recover.

too late for that.

so...my life is completely empty and meaningless now---i have nothing at all to live for---and i have no desire or will whatsoever to try and find something in life worth living for...which leaves me in a very unsatisfying position------

since august 17th every day of my life has consisted of me trying not to cry---i struggle constantly to find things to do with myself which will keep my mind off the thoughts i have whenever i have time to think...there isn't a minute of the day that goes by without me trying to keep from breaking down and crying at least once...i have lost everything i once loved---wait---no---thats not exactly right-------everything i love has deserted me. i am so fucking alone--even when i'm with people i'm alone---i'm so alone---and i dont know what to do---and no ones advice helps---and nothing helps-----all the drugs and alcohol in the world wont help me to escape...i could drive for hours--i could stare blankly for hours---i could think for hours----days---years---and this feeling will never leave---i will never be right again--------------

nothing will ever be as wonderful as it once was---even when it is--it wont be.

and i feel so helpless---and i feel so worthless---

i was walking towards the light---i was right fucking there---i was holding its fucking hand---it was whispering to me---then i blinked---and when i opened my eyes there was only darkness---and i hit the fucking wall at full speed---and i hit the fucking ground at full speed---and now thats where i am-----i'm passed out on the ground waiting for you to wake me up---waiting for something to wake me up---waiting.

before ~ after