11:15 p.m. - Dec. 15, 2002
...every day i grow more older and more colder...

i dont know if its the same for anyone else but often my mind is just completely blank---i know i'm thinking----deep deep thoughts----i just dont know what i'm thinking--i just sit and stare and let my mind go there and create. and sometimes when i realize what i've been thinking i smile---and i don't even know why. sometimes pain can make you smile and sometimes smiles can bring you pain.

don't even begin to imagine that you understood even part of what i just said.

last night i noticed that i see the little things i love about her in other people and it completely destroys me.

talking to someone--and they smile just the right way---and it triggers it--and i'm just completely destroyed.......and i thought of a question i'll never know the answer to...

what do you say to someone that doesn't know they've killed you with their smile?

i'm sorry for all of this---i'm in a weird mood and i'm just letting my mind write---i dont even know how i feel or what i'm saying. i really just came here to say one thing...

every day i die a little
no matter how hard i try to live
and i've wasted so much time
and so much of my mind
and most people in the world will never know why
and i've seen and touched perfection
and i've wallowed in the filth
and i've been swallowed and crushed by emptiness
and i've felt the highs and lows
and if i had the chance
i'd never change a thing
because this is all i've got and its everything to me
even when its too much and i want it all to end
i dont want to die or ever live again

before ~ after