3:00 a.m. - Dec. 08, 2002
...sleep now in the fire...

today or tonight or whenever it was---i looked in her face---i looked in her eyes---and she looked back...and for a second i saw everything i've ever wanted and desired---and for a second i saw all the happiness and pleasure we shared---and for a second i could smile---and for a second i did.

and i kept looking---wishing things would change---wishing the past to be the present--------wishing for what could have been to be. and it was fine...and it felt fine...and i was alive.

and now here i am and its alright and here i am and life goes on and here i am and there's nothing i can do about any of this and here i am and i'm just living and here i am and i'm just trying to carry on and here i am and here i am and here i am and here---i am-----and here i raise my head and i sigh and i feel for the first time in a long long time a little bit of happiness----a little bit of comfort.

and if i were to make words into images---i'm standing here at the edge---as always...and i'm standing at the edge and its fine---and i look around......all i see is sadness---if sadness had an image---and all i see is sorrow in the form of stark endless blue and grey horizons and all i see is sorrow....and i look into the air and all i see is fire and flames and all i see is blazing bright glowing skies...and i look straight ahead and take a step and all i see is nothing and i step off the edge and into it into nothing and into everything and i'm falling and i'm falling and i'm falling----------and i realize-----i realize this is it---i'm never going to reach all that i have dreamed and all i have desired and i realize---and i realize that this is all i will ever have and all i have ever really had...and i realize this is all i want---and i realize nothing will ever be enough and i realize and i realize and i realize.........and i close my eyes---and i open my eyes---and i close my eyes and here i am-----falling---falling---falling-----and nothing really matters---------and everything is important---and all i can think about is whats to come---and all i ever wanted is the past---and all i can see is nothing-------------------everything around me is nothing---and its everything i've ever dreamed---and i wish that you could see---------i wish you were here with me.....because forever here i'll be.

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

before ~ after