3:57 a.m. - Nov. 17, 2002
...now that i've found you---and seen behind those eyes---how can i-------carry on...

its 4am and i dont feel like being here at all...i want to be out---i want to be more fucked up with this...

and maybe its the massive amount of alcohol and cocaine in my system but it seems like i am almost enjoying this moment...my brain probably just isn't getting enough oxygen to think about anything real.......but i almost love this nothingness...i almost want this for all eternity....and i've gotten to the point where this blurs with all the rest of my life........i've gotten to the point where its no longer experimentation---its no longer for joy or experience------i no longer do this to myself because i believe it has some sort of redeeming value........i am doing this to escape---i have become what i always hated------and i am accepting it fully-----------because at this point---i need this--i need this emptiness--i need this nothingness--i need this psuedo-comfort...this half-smiling half-happiness............i need this feeling that everything will work out in the end and i can finally smile and really mean it.......i need this feeling that there is something worth living for and some day i might actually believe all this bullshit i try to make myself believe..........i need this feeling that something really matters in this fucked up dream i call my life.......i need this feeling of complacency------------i need to feel something-------------------------------------------even if it is nothing.

i've got nobody on my side
and surely that aint right

before ~ after