11:30 p.m. - Apr. 16, 2003
...crack the window--feel the wind blow...serenity tenfold...

i'm not exaaaaaactly sure what button i hit but i just lost the entry i spent an hour writing. but really i guess it doesn't matter---i released whatever i was trying to released-----or at least rambled for a bit. but anyway.

i need a car. so i can drive. anywhere. just keep moving---keep driving------for that few moments of fleeting calm---that temporary peace. i want to just inhale the cool night air and wonder off into oblivion. so i can maybe forget how horrible everything feels in my life for maybe just one god damn second---and maybe i could even enjoy that single second of complacency.

i'm going to maybe stop writing here for a while and see if i can get some shit together in my life because really its all being held together right now by a few shards of happiness from almost a year ago that haven't shattered yet for some reason.

every smile that marks a lie past and cold is real docile

an image of a park---early night...some semblence of light in the sky. lamp flickering above the bench---casts shadows of dead winter tree upon new spring grass. driving by slowly taking a breath of clean breeze through my open window---tears in my eyes....and all i want to do is drive off into the nothingness---all i want is for everything to end in a split second... all of this emptiness i feel crushing every part of my soul...it drains out and falls swiftly like a brick in the form of a single tear pulled from my face out the open window. and i'm not crying--the sadness is just there. and all of this continues---forever. and there's no way to stop it. and this is love. and this is hate. and this is beautiful pain. and this is nothing. this is nothing at all. all of this---it is nothing. so i'll sigh and i'll keep going and i guess it will never end--even when it does---it wont. and i'm alright---everything is alright i suppose.

and those who say the past is not dead

cant stop and smell the smoke

before ~ after