12:44 a.m. - Mar. 28, 2003
...and now we're planning the crime of the century...

so yeah that didn't last too long... i guess you could say Jo's guestbook entry kicked my ass into making this entry but in all fairness its probably mainly because i'm drunk and basically----------it gives me some sort of half-happiness to bullshit my way through feeling something other than horrible.

what i'm really trying to say here is i feel alright---and by that i mean i feel like shit. I've got this new job finally---doin construction---its hard fucking work but when i'm working i just go off into this world where i can do anything and it doesn't affect me...but anyway i've been doing a lot of painting at this job and while i paint i have lots and lots of time to think....thinking about all this shit---about all the things in my life that have mattered-----thinking about how much of my life i've really enjoyed-------or how much i've really even just experienced---i mean truly experienced.........i guess what i'm trying to say here is i'm finally realizing that i'm young. i'm only fucking 18 going on 19........i can't even legally drink alcohol------and really at this point in my life i feel one hundred percent perfectly fine with dying......i've considered joining the army just based on the chance of my death.........basically what i'm saying here is i'm realizing that at this point i feel like i've already hit my peak--------through the constant ebb and flow of life.....there's a high water mark in everything---and i feel as if i've already hit mine....and really what point is there in anything if its always going to be less than something else...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

ok forget all that---what i want to say is that i'm sorry. i'm so fucking sorry for the way my life is turning out. and i'm so fucking happy. and i'm so fucking happy. and i could cry right now because really i can look at my life and see happiness and i can smile and tears come to my eyes and i can scratch the back of my head and everything........and everything....i've experienced so much---and i've felt everything i've ever imagined i could feel-----i've felt greatness---i've experienced perfection....and i've seen sadness and depression....i've felt torment and pain........................................i feel all of this all the time...........and everything's just a fix for a fix for a fix for a fix for a fix for a fix and it just goes on because really-------i mean really--come on now.....when does anything really ever end------------except in the end.

and what i'm trying to say here i guess---is that really even the worst parts of life are still the best parts of life--and for all the joy in the world there is that much sadness...and everythings balanced in its own sick fucked up way........and somehow everything is going to work out---and i really dont care how---and really what i'm trying to say here is its alright......everything is just fine even when its not.

nothing really matters---even when it does--------it doesn't.

but that's ok
i'm not ok

before ~ after