5:35 a.m. - Nov. 06, 2006
...the more widespread their mastery of the world--the more they find themselves crushed by uncontrollable forces...

well i've got some pretty nasty heartburn for some reason--i assume its because i haven't eaten today and its 5:30am and my body isn't used to un-american whiskey. but in the wee hours of the morn what can you really expect?

i had this dream the other night---well actually it was a lot of dreams. i don't remember them all but i kept waking up into new dreams and they were all so very fucking desperate. i was always headed somewhere---always running or driving or diving through some anonymous passageway. someone always died right before i 'woke up' into a new dream. the ones i remember were rather visceral--that is to say i remember them vividly...probably because the sheer crushing volume of their realness shocked me when i finally woke up into the 'real' world---an act that i must say was rather visceral in itself.

that is to say...after spending the whole night waking up from one nightmare into another i was..dare i say..happy..fuck i was outright full blown delighted to drink the fucking cool clean air of the mid morning half lit room around me. put less fervently i was fucking amazed that after all that i was still here and still breathing. i wouldn't say i was glad to be alive but i was glad to know it wasn't all over...but lets back up i didn't even tell you what happened...

the ones i remember the most--two of them...i won't go into extreme detail--just what seems important to me--that is to say the end.

the first i was driving some truck down some street and i was going fast. i tried to take some onramp to some highway but there were cones and signs all over saying something about the road being closed. but i was going so fast i couldn't react. all the sudden i realize there is a car coming down the wrong way. so i swerve. so i'm off the road and i flip a couple times down this hill and come to a crushing stop. i climb out the windshield (or where it was) and realize that i've landed directly on top of some poor fuck's car. turns out there were 4 guys in there and only one is still alive and he is freaking the fuck out. so i'm taken aback by what just happened. what i just did...i'm taken aback that i'm alive....i can't figure it out. then i see their faces. and i fucking lose it. i realize what's happened all at once and i fucking lose it. i wish i had died. now i got to live the rest of my fucking worthless life with this on my mind. i will never forget the fucking faces. so fucking bloody and fucked. i fucking killed them and i didn't even have a chance to stop it. i started gagging and crying and for some reason i couldn't fucking puke. i just walked around that fucking field gagging with tears running down my face. i felt like i had swallowed my tongue. then i woke up and i was in some fucking office building waiting for some fucking elevator and i had a breath mint in my mouth.

later when i woke up it occured to me that i can't recollect any time i've ever thrown up in a dream. it occurs to me that it might not be possible for me to do so...i dont know what that means but its just a thought i had later.

the last dream was much shorter. it was the last one i had before i woke up. i was in this office building. i remembered that i had killed those poor fucking fucks. there was some guy to my right waiting for the elevator with me. then the building started to collapse around us. the elevator door opened and it was this big concrete room with a staircase coming down out of the ceiling leading nowhere. we both were confused but instead of going in he ran off. i went in and the doors closed. then i realized how trapped i was. this big fucking building was falling apart and i am in some little concrete fucking cage that makes no god damned sense. then the room started getting smaller. i realized then that i couldn't escape. and i was fine with that. i didn't recall any specific reason i should want to continue living so i was fine with dying there and then. but what got me. what really got me scared. is when i realized it was going to take a long time to get crushed in that fucking cage. i realized that i had lost all control. i couldn't escape my own death and i couldn't make it happen myself. i had to stand there and wait for this fucking concrete fucking box to cave in around me and squash me out of existence. so i just sat down. i looked around and i waited. and after a few minutes i was finally being crushed. it crushed my legs first and then my arm and i remember thinking it should be painful but it wasn't---cause it was a dream and nothing really mattered. but i couldn't wake up. and i couldn't change anything. i couldn't do a fucking thing. and i just lay there getting all crushed and dead. and then it closed around my head and i realized i was sorry. i'm not sure why but just before i woke up i realized that i was sorry for the life i had lived. i realized that for some reason or another i had wronged and there was no way for me to right it now that i was fucking crushed to fucking death. and thats when i felt my heart stop in the dream. and i woke up. like i really woke up. into my room. and it was kind of bright but kind of dim like it had been foggy but the fog was lifting. i dont know---how a room looks when you wake up and light is trying to get in the shades but they're doin their best not to let it pour in but it finds all the cracks and all the holes and it makes it through anyways. its kind of comforting to know it can't be stopped. kind of saddening. but i woke up anyways. and i knew i was alive because i was in my room and when i took a big deep breath i could taste it in my nose and in my throat i could tell it was real because i could tell that i had just taken that breath---i knew i was alive because i knew i was personally experiencing all the shit around me. and that made me a little happy and a little sad. and really now that i think about it i wish i had never woken up. it would have been a lot easier if i had just finally died. it would have been a lot easier if i didn't have to go through it a couple million more fucking times before its finally done.

and i guess really the main problem i have with my life is that it just keeps going on and on and i'm too fucking worthless to do anything about it. not that i want to kill myself---but i dont really feel like i'm doing much living...so its kind of like i'm already dead.

but yeah i woke up and the air was fucking fantastic and i just wanted to take a big fucking bite. and now i'm staring at this empty fucking glass next to this empty fucking bottle and this clock that tells me that the sun should be coming up...and i realize that the fucking light is already fucking seeping in through the cracks and the holes. and there's not a fucking thing i can do about it. not a fucking thing.

i should like to be the landscape which i am contemplating....i should like this sky--this quiet water to think themselves within me...that it might be i whom they express in flesh and bone...and i remain at a distance

before ~ after