3:30 a.m. - May. 16, 2005
...i can't stand my own mind...

i'll be a year older in less than a month. i never really thought i'd make it this far. there's some kerouac quote that comes to mind...

the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say commonplace things, but burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes "AWWW!"

but really i dont think thats me. i've never had the kind of desire to live that he describes...i've always been more crazed...more frantic. i've always felt like every drop of my life is like water seeping from the tap down the drain and theres nothing to be done but let go...i can never hold on long enough to anything i desire---to anything i love---to anything i've loved...and so i just keep letting go. no fireworks or awww from the crowd.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep–while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

but i'm feeling better i think. and things change...things stay the same.

before ~ after