2:56 a.m. - Oct. 31, 2003
...i tried to leave---but you know me...

i'm kind of drunk and i feel sick inside in a kind of whybother way. and really i don't care...i like to think thats true.

all i can really think about lately is this one fucking nine inch nails song...i haven't heard in a long time.....without you everything falls apart...without you its not as much fun to pick up the pieces... and i can't even explain what i mean.


these days i'm a piece of shit. a worthless fucking dirty sick piece of shit. i hate myself...its not so much that i hate myself...i just have no love. its fucking gone---and its not like it was stolen.......i've left it all behind.........or given it away...i really dont know anymore................i really can't figure out why i even care anymore. and just looking at you makes me swell up inside and i can't fucking figure it out.........its such stupid shit. i see your smile and it almost makes me smile.......but i dont know whats wrong....whats going on anymore? i dont know.

sometimes i look at the wall or the light and it fills me up so much i just want to pull the fucking trigger. it fills me up so much i just want to cut it out of my fucking soul and ask what the fuck is going on...what the fuck is wrong...what...i dont even know....i just want something.....something i can't figure out.

before ~ after