2:06 a.m. - Oct. 23, 2003
...its alright i dont mind...

there's no need to worry...

i dont know...everything is so fucked.


i hope a few years from now i can look back at this past year or two and think about how crazy and fucked up everything was...i really hope some day i can look back at how fucked up all of this has been......because right now this shit never seems to end..............i remember a long fucking time ago i was crying and i looked you in the eye and you said something like 'whats wrong' because you could tell i was thinking about something horrible....and i said something like'you'll probably say it'll get better after a while but i promise you now every day...every hour...every second after this night....will be worse than the moment before it.'and all you could say was something like 'well...i know it seems like that now...but it will get better...' and love i'm still waiting...i'm still fucking waiting for it to get better...because right now i was dead fucking on...dead. fucking. on.


and christ love its starting to hurt. its starting to hurt too much.

the one thing i still just cant fucking figure out is how much i still love you...you're so different and so much has changed and i'm different and everything is fucked and all of this shit has happened and i still look at you and talk to you and its so pure and singular i can't fucking bear it. and i just can't figure that out. and its just so.......i dont even fucking know what i'm trying to say....i just wish something was different........i just wish i knew what i wanted.....


and christ love its starting to hurt. its starting to hurt too much.

before ~ after