3:05 a.m. - Jan. 24, 2003
...kill everything you love...

i just erased everything i was just about to say...and somehow that is a metaphore for everything i said........if that makes sense...

basically i'm fucking tired of all this shit---and not in a 'oh i'm having a hard time life is depressing' way....its all just fucking stupid to me....everything i do feels so worthless and pointless.......i just want to get away from all of this---and not in that 'oh i want to escape from all of this' way.........its just that every second of every day feels like it could be spent in a better way.......i feel like i'm just rehashing everything i've already done and felt....................................................................i'm clinging to the past even when i'm trying to move on......................................................................................................................................................................and this doesn't help at all.........nothing good can come from this...

love and happiness
something that can make you do wrong make you do right...

i just want to get on with my fucking life---i want to get a job and make some money and find some fucking thing that makes me happy and move fucking on and leave all this bullshit i'm tired of carying. i just want to get over it and move on and i....I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I'M STILL HANGING ON-----------I HAVE SO MANY REASONS NOT TO-----------I HAVE SO MANY EXPLAINATIONS FOR IT TO BE OVER-------------THERE IS PRACTICALLY NO CONNECTION IN MY HEAD....and still i cant let go............................................................................................and still i wont move on...................................................and still FOR SOME REASON even though i dont care EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THIS MEANS ANYTHING AT ALL.....i still care and it still means everything to me........................................................................................................................................and this doesn't help me at all.

and its times like this i try so hard not to care--and it almost seems like i dont...but in the end---everything matters...even if it doesn't matter at all.

before ~ after