2:07 a.m. - Mar. 21, 2003
...sigh...

those who say the past is not dead
can stop and smell the smoke

well i feel sore and tired and i'm about to pass out. i'm drunk with not caring. and really i dont.

up in a few hours for work and then what......

well i'm going to stop this for a while---as i do every so often...i think maybe i'm in one of those 'transitional phases' in life or whatever...basically i feel sick now and i dont predict ever feeling any better so i'm just going to have to deal with it and accept that this is what its like forever. and maybe then i can smile for real again---maybe then i can open my eyes and sigh and just sit there crying inside at how beautiful everything can be and always has been even when i couldn't tell.

and really i dont mind if i ever feel anything again because it wont be the same and it wont matter as much because once you cross the first line there's no end to it and the viscioius cycle destroys everyone in the end...even if you don't see it its there and its killing you. every moment of life is a breath you could have spent bettter and a second you could have saved forever.

i wait for you there
alone

before ~ after