12:00 p.m. - Feb. 06, 2003
...the end never seemed so useless...

these days every little thing has become interesting---and not in that 'oh thats interesting' kind of way----every little thing is interesting in that 'what the fuck is going on? how the fuck did i get here? what the fuck happened? fuck.' kind of way. and by that i guess i'm trying to say i dont understand anything at all these days.

I'm lost in a world of changes that I never could have forseen.

and at this point i have no control. even when i have control--i really dont. life has become what i always imagined it to be. life is a dream...and i'm in this dream-----maybe driving a car---but i'm not in the car i'm above the car watching myself drive the car...and i'm driving down the road---of course i really don't have any control over the car---just the illusion of control......and every time i try to take control----the car-----my car----the one i'm driving---the one i'm in---the car---it gets destroyed.

Now don't even THINK that you understood that. you'd have to be me to really understand that---and i hardly even understand what i'm trying to say.

i guess what i'm really trying to say is the end never seemed so useless...and really there is no end---everything is the end of everything else and it all seems so fucking useless to me. everything i care about---i dont even really care about anymore. everything i've dreamed and desired---useless now. all i have these days is my thoughts and my memories---all i have these days is the occasional realization of beauty and tragedy---all i have these days is useless...and its sad really. it is. and i wish it could be different. and i wish i could figure out why my life always tends to feel this way. why i always tend to feel this way. but...

this is how i seriously feel right now whether or not its the worst anyone has ever felt and this is how i feel right now whether or not it is bad at all and this is how i feel whether or not anyone cares...

and i really wish life ended at the high water mark...and i really wish it wasn't this way.......but the tides change as everything does---and the high water mark is long gone and almost forgotten.......and really i don't care anymore---even though i care--i don't. and i wish i could figure this out. i really do. but i can't. even when i can...i can't. and sometimes nothing is a real cool hand---and sometimes its not. but anyway---this is the end of this one------and who knows maybe there will be another...but for now this one's over... and if you understand that---please explain it to me-------because i never fucking will.

and sometimes other people's words speak louder than your own.

the end never seemed so useless

before ~ after