2:23 a.m. - Jan. 23, 2003
...we suffer every day---what is it for...

i haven't slept---sleep being the cousin of death

well yeah i have a sleeping problem---that is to say--i can't sleep. and not just now-----i can't ever-------or that is to say i have never been able to...except...

i suppose when i think about it---there was a time------a few times--a few times when i could sleep...comfortably---i could just lay down and sleep.......and this doesn't help me at all..............because the only time i recall ever being able to sleep like a normal human being----the only time i could sleep without any problem....was with her--for some fucking reason i could just lay next to her and sleep---and this doesn't help me at all...because i can never lay next to her and sleep again........that is to say i can never sleep again....with her.

and this doesn't help me in the least---its just that i noticed this strange fact the other day-------and it hasn't helped me at all---it has only made me feel worse-----which causes me to sleep less...........and this doesn't help.

sometimes we wish we weren't the way we are--and no good can come from this...because change is not a choice---it is an uncontrollable process....so this doesn't really change anything.............i just wish that almost every thought or realization i have didn't involve her in one way or another...i wish i could just not care----i dont want to care--------i really-----really----really dont want to....but i guess its just the way i am. and change isn't a choice---its uncontrollable.............................................and this doesn't help me at all.

and now i am weary--and i feel like i do...