12:30 a.m. - Dec. 27, 2002
...helpless, helpless, helpless...

mel·an·chol·y
n.

1. Affected with or marked by depression of the spirits; sad. See Synonyms: sad.
2. Tending to promote sadness or gloom: a letter with some melancholy news.
3. Pensive; thoughtful.

i'm in a very melancholy mood now--at this moment. i suppose i usually am but its very extreme at this exact point in time. all night i've been on the edge of tears and i dont think there's really any reasonable explaination why. i guess i'm whining when i say this and its pathetic and all that but fuck everyone--i seriously mean that---just fuck everyone who cares---fuck you all-----------i miss her---and there's nothing that can change that.

and i find myself almost crying sometimes---even when i'm happy---when i'm having a good day---i'll feel the smile on my face and the warmth of my temporary pleasure-----and something will trigger me----a sudden flash of memory---------bringing back happiness long gone---little things i remember that don't matter to anyone but me and i remember them suddenly and perfectly and they tear me apart and i have to fight not to break down and cry.....all the times i kissed her thigh when we were making love or laying in bed.....the time she kissed the back of my neck and i could feel it all through my body.....staring across the table at her on our first date trying to think of something to say that would make her mine forever......laying on the couch holding her watching some movie neither of us really cared about..............things like this that dont REALLY MATTER in the REAL WORLD these are the things that matter to me------those things are all i ever wanted in life-----------i dont want money and posessions and drugs and security and comfort and good times----------i just want those fleeting moments----those times of pleasure no one ever cares about until they're long gone and almost forgotten........i cry because i had it---i had what i wanted and i didn't realize it--at least not completely------i had what i wanted and i fucked up......i didn't care enough---i didn't try enough----there wasn't enough love.......something went wrong and i couldn't fix it----------i dont know what else to say-------------------------------even though its not my fault---it is.......and even though it will someday get better--------it really won't--------------because nothing is ever as good as the best-----and there's nothing better than perfection-------and thats what i remember---i remember these moments of perfection that nothing else can live up to----and there's nothing i can say or do or think or figure out or try or get or give to bring them back.

so i tell myself i'm getting over it---i'm moving on-------but i dont even know what that means....and i dont know what to do...and i dont know what i'm doing...so i'm just going to let it fade----------because really its only me------all of this---all these problems and pains------------its all just me. its no ones fault and its nothing at all------------

its just me and everything has to fade.

before ~ after