3:26 a.m. - Dec. 26, 2002
...kidnapped locked in the trunk and shot in the face...

i've often seen these people--these squares at the table--short stacked and long odds against--all their outs gone--one last card in the deck that could help them--i used to wonder how they could let themselves get into such bad shape---and how the hell they thought they could turn it around

thats like a metaphore for my life right now---if you dont get it i dont know how to explain it...i just dont know anything anymore.

i'm not even myself these days---i'm like a mythical recreation of who i used to be---and i dont even know who that is anymore.

people say remember the good times--chin up it'll get better--at least you've got this and that--it could be worse--get over it------these are the people that aren't dealing with the kinds of things that you're dealing with (you being me)

these are the people that wake up in the morning or the afternoon or whenever and they can look out the window and see the sun or the clouds or the grass or whatever and think to themselves optimistically 'ok' these are the people that have no idea in the slightest what real pain and emptiness is-----these are the people that have never went to sleep and wished with every part of their body that they would never ever wake up------these are the people that everyone wishes they could be even if they dont let themselves know it......its what we're all shooting for---the bright and warm epicenter of the whole frigid world...................these are the people that wont understand me when i say that when i wake up and i look out the window and i see all this beauty in the world and i see the sun and sky and grass and the cars and the road and the concrete and the trees and everything---when i see everything------i dont expect you to understand this------but when i see everything--it crushes me----it crushes me more than words can describe-----i see all this beauty that is life and everything and i feel nothing-----i feel empty----------i feel void------nothing----not anything----

complete
desolate
crushing
emptiness.

that's it---thats all i have to say.

before ~ after